I had an arranged marriage. You know the process of arranged marriages, right? You meet someone, ask them a few basic questions and based on that you have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of life with them or not. I mean it goes without saying that the process of bagging a job these days is a more long-winding one, but well, our society, Indian parents continue to think that a decision like marriage can be taken in a few days' time. So, thanks to my ex boyfriend who ghosted me when I spoke to him about marriage plans, I was left with no other option except to give in to my father's demand of marrying someone through an arranged marriage process.
He was earning well, had a decent family background, was polite and gentlemanly. Barring good looks, he had everything going for him. So, I said and so did he. After talking twice on phone and meeting once in person, we decided to take the plunge. Clearly, people in situationships need to learn from us how to deep dive into the territory of unknown without knowing how things are going to pan out.
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From the day we got married, I always sensed that something was off with the person I was married to. He was nice and kind, but aloof. In arranged marriages, I feel one needs to come out of their comfort zone, make an effort, communicate to make things fall into place. My husband did not make any effort in the relationship. It was me who tried to get intimate with him every time. At first, I thought he was being shy, however, it was only after one month of being married I realised where the problem was.
We were making love, actually the better way to put it across would be to say that we were having sex since there is no love between us, and in the heat of moment he said one name that brought my world crashing down. He moaned and called out a girl's name. I looked at him in disbelief and he simply didn't know what he had just said. I got up from the bed and walked out of room in dismay. He followed me out of the room and on being prodded who the girl was, he told me, very reluctantly so, that he had a girlfriend in the past with whom he had a bitter breakup with. She had apparently cheated on him and he was deeply hurt about it.
Imagine my plight. How do I entertain the idea of being in a marriage with someone who is still reeling from his breakup? I didn't see any point in arguing with him. I knew he was not in a state to make this relationship work.
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Feeling disgruntled with my life, I decided to have a fling outside. Actually the intention was just to have one night stands. I signed up on an app and started meeting a slew of random strangers. Some were interesting and some were plain bore. I didn't see potential in any of those men. Yes, not even for casual sex. They were simply not attractive that ways. After a long wait, I met a guy who finally made me laugh and was great in bed too. He is a single, good looking lad who just knew how to treat women. The plan was just to have a one night stand with him, but he turned out to be so good that I could just not resist the temptation of seducing him and spending good times with him. We don't have any strings attached and that's the best part about our equation.
There are times when I try to justify my cheating on my husband, because he wronged me in the first place by hiding about his past. However, my conscience still hurts. We are in this meaningless marriage where I am just sleeping with him occasionally. Over a period of one year, I have made peace with the status quo. In fact, the guilt that I feel for cheating on my husband is also reducing by the day it feels.